(no subject)

I am finding it increasingly hard to talk to my friends with boyfriends about relationships. Their concerns seem so unnecessary and negative. Friend 1 says she's playing a 'game' with her bf about who will text first...that is the dumbest shit. Friend 2 says she's worried her bf is going to cheat because this girl is posting on his facebook wall...again the dumbest shit. If you think your SO is playing a game with you you should probably break up. If you think your bf is going to cheat because a girl is posting on his wall...you MIGHT have some trust issues

Are relationships worth the stress they coerce you into enduring? I think not.

But then again, I've realized through my course of boyfriends and whatnot that a lot of people lie and cheat (I have) and worry about stupid things. In fact, I STILL worry a LOT about stupid things-they just don't involve people anymore. I'm trying to be supportive but it's hard when I think it's so fucking stupid! Indeed I am a bitch sometimes. Although I must remember some people like drama and weirdness with relationships-does it make the sex better? That furtive feeling that they might leave you forever but want you so badly in the moment? Is that real living? I could never do that. My best sex was with an ex and we had been together for a while, my best non-sex was with a man I had just met a week prior and never saw again due to me not being able to handle the heated connection without a relationship.

Well, it wasn't that I couldn't handle it, it's that I didn't know I could. No one had ever shown me that model before. Of all the things I regret in life...how I handled that was one...but I was young and unstable, such is life. What do I regret? There was something else but I kind of forgot what it was.

Meh.

I am so happy being single. And I will remain so until no one can throw me off my horse! I have a guy I see every so often...sort of. And another I no longer care to talk to, because I'm tired. Tired of people and their bullshit and miscommunications. And I can't take it lightly right now, so I won't take it at all.

I need money and practice and skills!

SKILLS. Focus.! ????

basically, this.

I am afraid to be thin because… my friends will notice
I am afraid to be thin because… my boobs will shrink
I am afraid to be thin because… my ass will shrink
I am afraid to be thin because… I will have the body I have always wanted
I am afraid to be thin because… it wont fix any of my problems
I am afraid to be thin because… then I will have no excuses for not following my dreams
I am afraid to be thin because… I will be able to wear whatever I like
I am afraid to be thin because… I will be more attractive
I am afraid to be thin because… I will attract more people
I am afraid to be thin because… I will have to maintain it
I am afraid to be thin because… I will be completely and totally responsible for my own body and health, and I will fully realize this
I am afraid to be thin because… I will have control over my body
I am afraid to be thin because… I will have control over myself
I am afraid to be thin because… I won’t have any excuses anymore
I am afraid to be thin because… I will be conscious
I am afraid to be thin because… I will be aware, every second and every moment and choose what enters me
I am afraid to be thin because… responsibility is scary and enlightening and I am babying myself
I am afraid to be thin because… it will take real work to get real results
I am afraid to be thin because… I’m afraid of work
I am afraid to be thin because… I’m afraid of not having free time to indulge
I am afraid to be thin because… I’m stuck on this and I’ve identified myself as this girl for too long
I am afraid to be thin because… I will have to create a new self-concept
I am afraid to be thin because… It will be a rebirth
I am afraid to be thin because… like the phoenix, I will die and be reborn!
I am afraid to be thin because… I am silly as fuck. Life is not this serious.

Ha.

(no subject)

I am so desperate for a fuck buddy :[

How does this work??? Why won't the dudes I want to fuck me, fuck me?????

I almost had one...but noooooooooo.

Psssh.

(no subject)

None of my dreams I really NEED. This is a liberating thing to think. To know.

Mmmm! I think it's time for some shroomies.

Also, DMT! I want to explode.

There is only one thing I want and that is health, sexy clothes, and sex. Esp. sex. I need to get a better job and start working hard so I can move to Portland where nobody knows me and blow shit up and live a rugged, just scraping-by lifestyle. I have my security, I want to struggle! How quaintly first world of me.

Privilege up the ass, but hey...it's my life :]

One of my girlfriends is semi trying to convince her bf to stay at his job because he can make twice as much in a few years...but he doesn't like it. And it's like, what the fuck? Why do we need money?

guilt

I'm having a little online tryst with this guy, we've met once, but primarily our communication is online, in fantasy land... It's been an interesting experience for me for sure. At first it was fun, and hot, but now I'm beginning to get bored. I need real life sex, mindfucking is not enough.

But we've been having some interesting conversations, one recently about porn and how we both have come to terms with watching it lately. I used to hate that I watched porn, and I felt it was demeaning or antifeminist or whatever. But now I completely accept my use of it and I enjoy my porn :] It helps get me off...so where's the harm in that.

Our conversation led me to remember an event in my past I had forgotten a long time ago. I was young, really young, 6-9 maybe? Not sure. And I remember walking into a gas station with my mom, her mom, my brother and some other people I don't remember. I was drawn to a playboy magazine on the newsstand, the woman had these amazing huge areolas and I had never seen anything like it, so I picked up the magazine and started flipping through it. [I remember her, she was tan, blunt bangs with brown hair, and these big areolas...wearing this odd jean vest] I opened to this page full of pussies, like seriously just straight up pussies, and spread shots...just sort of wondering about it, intimately curious with it, but nothing more than that...

My grandmother saw me and got very angry with me, not sure what she said, but some bullshit. And I felt SO guilty and SO angry for the rest of the day. I felt bad over something I was naturally curious about, and then angry because I shouldn't have felt bad.

It's interesting how such a little thing could have such a big impact on my sexual development and relationship with porn and my own sexuality...

When sexuality is hidden, or made to be guilty, that is when people grow up with complexes...and thank god I'm finally beginning to unravel mine.

And...I love porn. And female agency. And everything.

(no subject)

I've taken another step.

I might have a fuck buddy.

And, see, I've done this situation before but never this sexually conscious. I really want to fuck him. And I want to be uninhibited. And I don't want to become attached, but I acknowledge that some attachment is bound to happen. It did before, but it was easy to pinpoint and erase. We are still friends, and we still want to fuck each other. And we would be still if he had not moved. Can I do this situation again?

The kicker is, I've noticed this new guy before at an event. I already had a previous interest in him so I must be careful and stay aware. Enjoy the present with him when I am with him and stay focused on my goals in the present.

And I want to smoke a ton of weed and fuck him, UNINHIBITED, and have philosophical conversations after about love and sex and 'is the universe really one' type of hippie dippie bullshit I've become so fond of and smoke a cigarette and go to sleep and leave in the morning at 7AM and have it be like I. was. never. there.

Anonymity excites me. Freedom excites me. Sex with no boundaries excites me.

I want to have sex! DAMN IT.

(no subject)

I learned that it is better to be myself and be judged than to hide who I am and be judged.

Because either way people are going to judge you. So you may as well be happy.

I FINALLY understand what people mean when they say 'I don't care what other people think'

How lovely. And I will continue to be sexual, and boobie, and slutty, and playful and silly because that is who I am and that is what makes me feel good.

(no subject)

man, i really need to have sex soon. i miss having sex. good sex. sex with a connection, physical or otherwise. no more one night stands...i want trust. some sort of trust.

i think it is so fucking stupid when people say 'what if you dont want those when youre 50?' about tattoos.

like, does anybody want to age anyway? what does it fucking matter if you have a tattoo with saggy skin, as opposed to just saggy skin???

SERIOUSLY

(no subject)

Goth chicks are the fucking hottest jesus christ.

I'm proud of myself and my celibacy. At least, I'm proud of my intention to quit fucking people in random places and being sexually aggressive and instead committing to taking my time with sex and people. And who enters my vagina or my mouth, that sort of thing. I was in a situation last night where I could have gone backwards, but I stuck to my guns, man! And I'm drinking less. Still need to cut back on the smoking though. Hmm, but it's social and I like it sometimes. So it's alright. Just weird to think that I am a smoker.

Since I've come to terms with my sexuality I feel as if a whole world is open to me. Women are no longer threatening or bitchy, they're fellow complicated humans who I [would like to] play with. It's been a while since I have played with a woman. I'm banking on Halloween...

I miss my ex boyfriend, and I have been thinking about him a lot, but I don't miss our relationship. I suppose that's healthy? My next serious partner would have to be incredibly open, because there is so much to discover in this world. I absolutely will not be held back.

I always feel that way with commitment. Perhaps it is in my head, or the men I date, or it is just the truth with monogamy.

I want to flirt and play and connect and enjoy myself every second and not worry about hurting someone intentionally or feeling guilty.
These are emotions I don't want or need. They are useless to me and they don't make me feel good, so nevermind with those.

Life is good right now. I'm making money, I have a decent social life, I'm working on skills, I'm reading again. It's pleasurable and simple and fun.

Mhmmm :]

(no subject)

"Live like there's no tomorrow" has got to be the dumbest quote.

If I was living like there was no tomorrow I would be having unprotected sex with a multitude of people while candy flipping and eating an In N Out burger and strawberry-chocolate shake.

After coitus, I would probably set out to destroy everything humanly possible. I would be lighting shit on fire and throwing rocks through glass windows. Gleefully laughing at my new-found ability to destroy without repercussions.

I have to wonder what this says about my personality. Because, yeah, I might like to imagine I would go to the top of a mountain and watch the world go by...but I would only do that if I was on a copious amount of drugs and if there was sex involved.

If there was no tomorrow I would be going out with a bang, definitely. Except, there is a tomorrow. There is a very lovely tomorrow that we invest in, every moment. And that is the real truth, and that is why I am toning down. Relaxing into what is real rather than what is fake fake fake and processed and animalistic.

I think I'm going to try celibacy for a bit. I can masturbate but I cannot watch porn or have sex. I am going to try this for a month.

Been realizing I've used sex for all the wrong reasons. Validation, fear, whatever other bad shit. I am putting it on the back burner now and focusing on other, more real, things.

n_n~